Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Rose Tint My World

While I was getting dressed this morning, Applause started to fill the room through my speakers.

I've heard the song a a billion times, but this time I had a revelation.

With rollers in my hair, and half-way through my mascara application, I thought to myself...



I only live.

For the Applause.

My inner attention whore was having a moment.

Because like Tinker Bell, I will die unless you clap for me and tell me you believe in me.

I will be your number 1 fairy.

But if you don't believe in fairies, the light in my soul will go out and I'll DIE.

I just need a little spark of magic to help get me through the day. Maybe I do things like cover my face in glitter, talk about unicorns, rainbows, and precious little dandelions because it's a way for me to cope with the fact that the real world really isn't as magical as I project it to be? Every day, I can feel the enchantment diminishing. And without the magic of my own little world, I am nothing.

Rose tints my world

Keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

And if I want to live over the rainbow, I'll have to dance right through rain.

Because I have had the power all along, my dear.

And how fucking weak of me to ever doubt that.

No matter how much I try and seek validation from others, I am the only one who can truly validate the rainbow in my soul.

And maybe it doesn't even matter if anyone believes in fairies. As long as I believe in them, shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't I be able to find my own strength and light my own soul, without Peter Pan?

I wish it were that easy. And maybe one day it will be.

I had that power once.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away from here, I used to be Queen.

The authenticity of my soul was strong, and I ruled my own world so effortlessly.

Because I truly believed in myself. I believed in all the wonderful things, and I executed mass amounts of fabulousity every single day. I was a superstar. Because deep inside, I believed I had something special.

And then one day the cruel world gets into your head and you realize that maybe none of it's true.

So you lose all sense of yourself.

I used to be Queen.

But I just can't seem to find my crown. It's like I'm left stranded-- deep within the darkness of the forest, in a constant state of vulnerability.

And I just have no fucking clue where I am.


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