Now that I'm out in the "real world" my creativity is on the back burner and I'm stuck in this mundane cycle of normality.
And for anyone who knows me.
That is my biggest fear in life.
I miss being in school; dreaming about the world and the potential mark I would one day make upon it. I believed I could do anything. I believed in the strange soul that was blessed within my being. I believed that I had the power to change the world. I believed in it all, but then life unravels in unexpected ways.
I've learned that making your mark on the world is more difficult than I had imagined. So much of me wants to quit my unfullfilling day job and move to a new city. To take risks and make mistakes and experience new cultures and people. I want to wake up each day and know that what I'm doing is making a difference in this world. I want to free the fire within me and inspire people. I want to do everything. And I want to be happy.
I am none of these things.
Part of me is so overwhelmed by the infinite choices the world offers, that I don't know where to begin. And part of me is afraid of it all.
But I've also learned that not everything's going to happen overnight. Life is a process, and we can't do everything all at once. Sometimes I forget that and experience major anxiety because my life is not set exactly how I want it.
Lately I've been neglecting myself. The glitter that once ran through my veins is diluted with the blood of my eternally broken heart. And the only way to find the sparkle again is to channel my inner 19 year old. The girl who, although had darkness deeply rooted within her, was not afraid to shine. To be herself. To feel complete without the approval of others. I was whole. I was free. And I need that again or I won't be able to survive.
I can feel this period in my life being transitional, and I can't let that slip away. Sometimes the biggest sources of inspiration can be found in ourselves, so it's time I start listening to my soul and introduce myself to the ambition I once had.
I can't sit around and wait for my life to change. The only one who has that power is me, and I must use it wisely.