Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Ground Control

I spend a lot of time attempting to analyze the way in which my mind operates. And I don't think I'll ever truly know.  Like the vast mystery that lies within the depths of outer space, my mind will always and forever be; a never ending tunnel of darkness that only becomes more complicated as you travel further through it.

Sometimes I wish I was simpler. That I found joy in the little things in life, and that I was content with the normality of simply being. But instead I create imaginary problems and imaginary enemies because I live in an imaginary world.

And then one day my friend told me that one of the only ways to truly know yourself is to have your heart broken by someone.

And I never really understood that.

But now I do.

Sometimes you don't fully understand that your heart is broken until you try to listen to it beat one day, only to realize that the life and energy that was once there is gone, and you're left with tiny shattered pieces that are too weak to attach themselves back together.

And then you're a chaotic mess, constantly trying to pick up the pieces before you just give up and accept the fact that the pain in your heart is only getting worse.

When I was growing up, I would wake up in the middle of the night and look into the night sky to gaze at the stars.  I memorized the arrangements, and there was one star in particular I would always look at. It was the brightest and most beautiful one, and as soon as darkness would fall, it was there waiting for me.  I would imagine that star was my true home. The only way I could make sense of my life is if I lived in the delusion that I came from a giant ball of glitter in space. Each star in the sky is a sun in someone else's galaxy, so maybe God just mixed me up with the real Earth girl and gave me life in the wrong cosmic atmosphere?

As I would gaze into the glistening universe, I would pray that maybe there would be someone out there in this world who was looking up at the same stars as I was. Someone who belonged to the same glittery galaxy as I did. Someone just as strange as me. Who's heart beat to the same weird little drum as mine. And that made me feel less alone. And less sad.

But I think the biggest tragedy of life is that these are not always the people you end up with.

They can be the sun and you can be the moon. The two most powerful forces of day and night.

But they can never be together.

Because that's not the way the universe intended them to be.

And that's ok.

Because as long as my heart

....Is as red as fiery Mars.

God will mercifully guide me on my way amongst the stars.


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