Friday, September 5, 2014

The Girl With The Gaga Tattoo

Everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that Lady Gaga owns my soul. She is my
savior. The prophet. The second coming of Christ. Upon arriving at the gates of heaven, I expect to be told that she is indeed a religious figure who was put on this Earth to save all the little monsters from the danmation of normalcy. To give us the strength to stay true to ourselves, and to remind each and every one of us that we're all God damn superstars, and we were Born This Way. And as our eternal mother began her prophecy here on Earth, the mitosis of the future began.

And thus began the beginning of a new race.

A race within the race of humanity.

A race that bears no prejudice.

No judgement.

But boundless freedom.

And with that, the world was changed. At least mine was.

Becoming a Lady Gaga fan was like finding a part of my soul that had been missing. I felt complete with her, as she gave me so much strength to stay true to myself and the courage to carve out my own space in the world rather than trying to fit into someone else's. She was always there for me-- making me feel less alone, and less afraid.

remember being a lonely 19 year old alone in my dorm room. I didn’t have a lot of friends, was never cool enough to go to parties, and just had no sense of who I was. She helped me find my inner sense of self worth. Not just through her music, but the whole artistry of who she is. She changed my life, and taught me to find my freedom and fight for who I am. 

Seeing her live at the Monster Ball will forever be the highlight of my life. I was finally amongst my people at the greatest show on Earth. She would tell stories and give us words of inspiration during the show. After making a speech about freeing ourselves from all our insecurities, she shined her disco stick into the audience and said:

"I used to pray, and I used to dream that one day, one person would believe in me."

She continued on, putting her hand over her heart and said:

"So when you leave here tonight, know that at least one person believes in you."

And that was the moment of all moments.

Because we just need one person to believe in us. And even know she doesn't know who I am, that doesn't matter. Because it's not about me, per say. It's about the core of my being. My soul. And all the other souls who suffer internally. Who feel like they're not good enough.  No matter if it's Lady Gaga, or an old friend. Sometimes we need the validation that someone believes in us. Because life is just really hard.

I think of those words often, which is sometimes what helps get me through the day and through the darkness.

I struggle a lot internally. My soul is simultaneously the most beautiful and the darkest place I've ever been. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and during that time the internal struggle was really difficult. I went out with my friends, and tried so hard to make sure that everyone was having a good time, that I forgot about myself.

But a few days later when I woke up on the actual day of my birth, I decided that I wasn't going to be afraid anymore. And that I should always carry the strength to fight for exactly who I am. Gaga has been so brave for me, so now it was my turn to be brave for her.

Because I was Born This Way. And that's something I take so much pride in.

When it comes to our birth, it is perceived that this infamous moment in life is not temporal, it is eternal. And on my birthday, I traveled to the city of my birth and got Born This Way tattooed on my body. The understanding of that phrase has changed my life. And now it's forever engraved on my skin as a reminder that I am beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes.

I don't ever want any of you to sacrifice who you are for anyone or anything else. Because you're absolutely perfect just the way you are, and I believe in you all.

So now that this story is over, know that at least one person believes in you. Because sometimes that's all it takes.



Wednesday, August 6, 2014

We Could Be Heroes

I don't think I'm fully alive until the clock strikes midnight.

But first, I'm going to go to the ball in a pumpkin and have little mice friends who's purpose in life is to love and help me through all my troubles.

I'm becoming Cinderella, you know.

I want the authority to behead those who disobey me, and to help the deserving ones.
To have roses thrown at my feet, and to have people bow in my presence. I'll have to endure the dark side of royalty, but that's ok. If it must be anyone, it should be me because I know I could handle the travesty. My constant need for attention and the theatricality of my soul are perfect in ensuring that the public get a perfectly flawed and dark princess--and an even darker queen, should I reign on.

But since I was not born into royalty, marrying into it is the only chance I have. Unless of course I am the real life Mia Thermopolis, and my parents have just been hesitant in telling me that I am the heir to the thrown of a fictional land. Yes, I have decided that is the truth, so I'm going to just wait around for Julie Andrews to appear as my savior.

But until then, I just need someone to come rescue me because I don't want to be locked in this cold, routine, peasant like life forever.

Ah, yes. Being saved from normal life would be wonderful.

But you see, my fellow peasants, deep down in my soul that's not what I want. The desire to be saved is a lie. A feeling of lust that my heart mistakenly assumes to be true. Beause the truth about life is that we have to save ourselves. To build our own castles. To turn our own rags into riches. And to break free from the way of life we were taught to accept.

Because we all deserve so much more. And we deserve to be the heroes of our stories.

As the great and powerful Lady Gaga one reminded me at the Monster Ball, many moons ago; "Even if the whole world turns their back on you, you'll always have yourself." I think of this often. That no matter how many times I'm ignored or forgotten, at least I have myself. No one owes us anything in life. Of course we have each other, but the only certainty we have in life is the relationship we have with ourselves. And as individuals, we have the power to launch our hearts into the lives we desire. 

The thing about life is that I want it all. But I think in the end, all I want is to be free.

To be free of my insecurities, free of the things that are holding me back, and free of anything that has ever made me feel like I'm not good enough or pretty enough, or that I don't belong, or don't fit in.

I want complete freedom.

But freedom is not an act, it's a frame of mind. It's finding that inner peace in your soul which filters out all the noise, and all the negativity, and all the sorrow.

One day I'll be free. And it won't be when I marry a Prince, or take control of my own kingdom. But rather when I can find the courage in my heart to let go of everything and live peacefully amongst all the things I've ever wanted to break free from.

I hope you all can find the courage and strength in your hearts to be free. Because you're worth it more than you know.

With love,

The Peasant Queen

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I Have Loved The Stars Too Fondly To Be Fearful Of The Night

When I die, I hope to have absolutely nothing left in me. I'll stand at the gates and tell God that I have given the world all that I possibly could. That every talent, every thought, every word, and every bit of my soul was fully executed on this planet. I want to die exhausted from the glory of life, rather than fade out from a boring and unfulfilling state of existence.

However, I think sometimes I want so much out of life that I forget to appreciate the simple things. Taking some time to stop and smell the roses, in part, is what it means to give this world my soul. How can I give everything I have if I don't pay attention to what the world is giving me?

We need the roses. We need the rain. We need everything the world is giving us, because our planet is a stage. All the flowers , trees, oceans, and lakes set the scenes to enhance our lives.

The people are the supporting cast,  my life is the plot. And I am the director.

But I am also the superstar.

It is like that for each and every one of us, yet we don't often pay attention to our stories, or realize our superstar potential.

We have all the power in the world to control our lives, and we're all born with an inner superstar that needs to be set free. And the saddest part about life is that some of us never realize how amazing we truly are, and don't discover our superstardom until it's too late.

I just want to give God everything I have.

It all becomes more meaningful when I realize that my life is a performance, only there's no intermission. No rehearsal.

And I want to be a star, before it's my time to become one somewhere in the depths of the universe, and under the light of a moon I haven't met yet .

I love you all.


Monday, July 21, 2014

Free As My Hair

I’ve always wanted to go blonde.  All my life I’ve
dreamt of having long and luscious blonde locks
like Barbie, Sleeping Beauty, and Courtney Love (in that order). Lady Gaga preached to us about how we are as free as our hair, reminding us that our hair can be our liberation. There is no physical pain when it’s cut, and yet sometimes a dramatic haircut can be the equivalent of slicing out our heart. The connection to our hair can run deep, and it wasn’t until a few months ago in which I truly learned about that effervescent connection one has with their hair.  

I spontaneously made a hair appointment with my stylist, Jessie,  without any real idea as to what I wanted. I woke up that morning still unsure about what I was going to do; I just knew I wanted a change. I could feel it in my soul. I had been feeling this chaotic force within me. A force that unwaveringly controlled my every act of Vanity. Only I didn’t know what it was until I sat in the styling chair and began to explain what I wanted.

I wanted the dramatics. All blonde everywhere.  Give me that Gwen Stefani realness and make it so that I’m only one cigarette away from looking like a trashy piece of high class trash on planet sass. I was born with a constant need for theatrics; the more dramatic, eclectic, and sassy, the better. Although long black hair is what weird little girls are made of, my soul needed a change. My time pretending to be Cher was over (I know she went through a blonde phase, but that does not count!), and it was time to evolve into another version of my self. 

4 hours and countless rinses later and I finally got to see the masterpiece my lovely and talented stylist had worked so hard to achieve.

I was in absolute shock.

It’s everything I’ve ever imagined, but oh my God.

It was blonde.

As she blow dried my hair, the blonde got lighter and my heart beat got faster. She styled it perfectly, gave me some tips and product recommendations, and I was on my merry little way. I got in the car and looked in the rear view mirror, and that's when it hit me.

I was a different person.  And it terrified me. I was going to go grocery shopping before I drove home, but I was so afraid to show myself to the world, as I didn’t even recognize the person staring back at me.  As I drove out of the parking garage and on to the street, the adrenaline rushed all throughout my new blonde soul. I guess I wasn’t mentally prepared for the change, and oh was it a change.

In that moment, I realized that the hair on my head is as equally important as, say, my left arm. It’s function may not have the significance, but without it, I would have a difficult time functioning. My hair is a part of my soul. It’s the innovation and execution of how I envision myself, and the execution of one's being is something that we should never overlook.

I'm pretty sure going blonde is the exact equivalent of dying as Snow White and then being reincarnated as Tinkerbell. That sassy little fairy will die unless you clap for her, which is exactly what this hair color has done to me. At first I thought I was getting more attention from being blonde. But I've realized that I'm just demanding it a lot more, as confidence comes with being a fairy.

My prayer for all of you is to find your liberation through your style. Whether it's through your hair color, the clothes you wear, the tattoos on your body, or the shade of lipstick that best connects to the color of your soul. Freedom is found through self creation. We just have to be brave, and find the strength to live out our vision.

Thank you for listening.



Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Stornetta Lands

image via Press Democrat

In case you are unfamiliar with what has happened to my childhood home, read this: President Obama establishes Point Arena Stornetta Unit of California Coastal National Monument

Now that we are all on the same page, let me tell you a story.

I grew up on what is now the Stornetta Public Lands. This land is where I used to sing, dance, put on photo shoots with my barbie dolls, and dream about the world and all the wonder it held. Sometimes I wished I lived somewhere where I wouldn’t feel so alone; In a lively city where my neighbors were people, not cows. But the solitude of my youth allowed the magic of my imagination to eternally flourish, and for that I am forever grateful.

I know most of you see this land as a place of exquisite beauty in the physical sense, and I see that as well. But I mainly see my childhood. I see all the dreams, and hopes, and memories I had as a kid. When my family sold the land to the state in 2004, we moved the day after my 14th birthday. Even though I had longed for an upbringing in a big city, I was heartbroken to leave. The land was a platform that fed my creativity. It energized me, and forced me to dream as big as it was beautiful. Leaving just didn’t seem right.
With the Stornetta Public Lands becoming a national monument, my young heart that broke all those years ago can now find closure. To me, this signing by President Obama is not only sealing in the deal of timeless land preservation, it’s sealing in the dreams of my childhood, and for anyone who has ever felt alone in the world, where dreams are the only thing that can ignite the magic we all have within us.
Small pieces of my soul are sprinkled like glitter all over those thousands of acres, and they will forever continue to glisten.
This is the land that raised me, and I hope it inspires all of you in the same way it has inspired me. Keep it beautiful.