Tuesday, January 12, 2016

To The Man Who Fell to Earth

One of my biggest idols in life. Felt all kinds of sad magic today. Driving home tonight hearing Space Oddity on the radio, I thought about being in school and feeling like such a misfit.  Whenever I’d feel sad, I would put on Ziggy Stardust, paint my face with mass amounts of makeup, then cry it all off and go to sleep. I would wake up covered in glitter, completely reborn. This therapeutic and  ritualistic pattern became the means in which I was able to authentically evolve into myself. He helped me understand the complexity of my being.  The art of transformation. The realization that I can evolve into so many different versions of myself, all while staying true to my soul. To understand me is to understand David Bowie’s artistry.

Thank you for unlocking the magic in my heart and teaching me how to find freedom in the realm of my own eccentricities.

The universe has gained the most powerful star. What a blessing to have existed at the same time as you. Forever feeling magical. xo

Friday, October 16, 2015


I have been in such a drought lately.

Now that I'm out in the "real world" my creativity is on the back burner and I'm stuck in this mundane cycle of normality.

And for anyone who knows me.

That is my biggest fear in life.

I miss being in school; dreaming about the world and the potential mark I would one day make upon it. I believed I could do anything. I believed in the strange soul that was blessed within my being. I believed that I had the power to change the world. I believed in it all, but then life unravels in unexpected ways.

I've learned that making your mark on the world is more difficult than I had imagined. So much of me wants to quit my unfullfilling day job and move to a new city. To take risks and make mistakes and experience new cultures and people.  I want to wake up each day and know that what I'm doing is making a difference in this world. I want to free the fire within me and inspire people. I want to do everything. And I want to be happy.

I am none of these things.

Part of me is so overwhelmed by the infinite choices the world offers, that I don't know where to begin. And part of me is afraid of it all.

But I've also learned that not everything's going to happen overnight. Life is a process, and we can't do everything all at once. Sometimes I forget that and experience major anxiety because my life is not set exactly how I want it.

Lately I've been neglecting myself. The glitter that once ran through my veins is diluted with the blood of my eternally broken heart. And the only way to find the sparkle again is to channel my inner 19 year old. The girl who, although had darkness deeply rooted within her, was not afraid to shine. To be herself.  To feel complete without the approval of others. I was whole. I was free. And I need that again or I won't be able to survive.

I can feel this period in my life being transitional, and I can't let that slip away. Sometimes the biggest sources of inspiration can be found in ourselves, so it's time I start listening to my soul and introduce myself to the ambition I once had.

I can't sit around and wait for my life to change. The only one who has that power is me, and I must use it wisely.


xo g

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Rose Tint My World

While I was getting dressed this morning, Applause started to fill the room through my speakers.

I've heard the song a a billion times, but this time I had a revelation.

With rollers in my hair, and half-way through my mascara application, I thought to myself...



I only live.

For the Applause.

My inner attention whore was having a moment.

Because like Tinker Bell, I will die unless you clap for me and tell me you believe in me.

I will be your number 1 fairy.

But if you don't believe in fairies, the light in my soul will go out and I'll DIE.

I just need a little spark of magic to help get me through the day. Maybe I do things like cover my face in glitter, talk about unicorns, rainbows, and precious little dandelions because it's a way for me to cope with the fact that the real world really isn't as magical as I project it to be? Every day, I can feel the enchantment diminishing. And without the magic of my own little world, I am nothing.

Rose tints my world

Keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

And if I want to live over the rainbow, I'll have to dance right through rain.

Because I have had the power all along, my dear.

And how fucking weak of me to ever doubt that.

No matter how much I try and seek validation from others, I am the only one who can truly validate the rainbow in my soul.

And maybe it doesn't even matter if anyone believes in fairies. As long as I believe in them, shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't I be able to find my own strength and light my own soul, without Peter Pan?

I wish it were that easy. And maybe one day it will be.

I had that power once.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away from here, I used to be Queen.

The authenticity of my soul was strong, and I ruled my own world so effortlessly.

Because I truly believed in myself. I believed in all the wonderful things, and I executed mass amounts of fabulousity every single day. I was a superstar. Because deep inside, I believed I had something special.

And then one day the cruel world gets into your head and you realize that maybe none of it's true.

So you lose all sense of yourself.

I used to be Queen.

But I just can't seem to find my crown. It's like I'm left stranded-- deep within the darkness of the forest, in a constant state of vulnerability.

And I just have no fucking clue where I am.


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Ground Control

I spend a lot of time attempting to analyze the way in which my mind operates. And I don't think I'll ever truly know.  Like the vast mystery that lies within the depths of outer space, my mind will always and forever be; a never ending tunnel of darkness that only becomes more complicated as you travel further through it.

Sometimes I wish I was simpler. That I found joy in the little things in life, and that I was content with the normality of simply being. But instead I create imaginary problems and imaginary enemies because I live in an imaginary world.

And then one day my friend told me that one of the only ways to truly know yourself is to have your heart broken by someone.

And I never really understood that.

But now I do.

Sometimes you don't fully understand that your heart is broken until you try to listen to it beat one day, only to realize that the life and energy that was once there is gone, and you're left with tiny shattered pieces that are too weak to attach themselves back together.

And then you're a chaotic mess, constantly trying to pick up the pieces before you just give up and accept the fact that the pain in your heart is only getting worse.

When I was growing up, I would wake up in the middle of the night and look into the night sky to gaze at the stars.  I memorized the arrangements, and there was one star in particular I would always look at. It was the brightest and most beautiful one, and as soon as darkness would fall, it was there waiting for me.  I would imagine that star was my true home. The only way I could make sense of my life is if I lived in the delusion that I came from a giant ball of glitter in space. Each star in the sky is a sun in someone else's galaxy, so maybe God just mixed me up with the real Earth girl and gave me life in the wrong cosmic atmosphere?

As I would gaze into the glistening universe, I would pray that maybe there would be someone out there in this world who was looking up at the same stars as I was. Someone who belonged to the same glittery galaxy as I did. Someone just as strange as me. Who's heart beat to the same weird little drum as mine. And that made me feel less alone. And less sad.

But I think the biggest tragedy of life is that these are not always the people you end up with.

They can be the sun and you can be the moon. The two most powerful forces of day and night.

But they can never be together.

Because that's not the way the universe intended them to be.

And that's ok.

Because as long as my heart

....Is as red as fiery Mars.

God will mercifully guide me on my way amongst the stars.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Sparkle and Shine

I like your nails, they sparkle and shine 
via pinterest

Thank you my darling, you’re so very kind.

Wanna have some fun, a night out on the town?

Just let me pick flowers and wear pretty crowns. 

Of course we’ll do that, I just wanted to see…

…If we could swim to the bottom of the deep blue sea?

I hadn't thought of that, but I’d love nothing more!

We’ll swim ‘till we’re mermaids and our bodies are sore.

I like your ideas. I like them a lot. You’re just as exciting as red polka dots.

You look like a rainbow, so eccentric and free.

It's because this world revolves around me.

Maybe one day I’ll see you again. 

I hope so. We’re perfect—like Barbie and Ken.

Goodbye for now, don’t forget about the time..

...When we bonded over nails that sparkle and shine.



Monday, January 12, 2015

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance

As I stood on the porch of the hotel, gazing off into the distant morning fog that was theatrically rolling over the Golden Gate Bridge, a beautiful forty something year old woman approached me and and bluntly asked "Are you a dancer?"

I wasn't quite sure what to say. I hesitated for a moment, but before I was able to answer she continued on.

"I am a dancer." She said. "I used to dance professionally in New York City. I lived the dream. And I can tell from the way you stand-- the way you carry yourself, that you too are a dancer."

"Thank you." I told her, humbled by the observation.  "I used to dance. But work and life have kept me busy over the past few years, so I'm not a dancer anymore."

Instead of carrying on and accepting the vague answer I had given, she looked me sternly in the eye and said "You are always a dancer. It's something that never leaves you."

Her words struck a chord in me that hadn't been played in a long time.  Dazed and confused; I looked back into her Louis Vuitton sunglasses, unsure what to say. But before I was able to formulate my thoughts into words, her family arrived--as well as a rush of other strangers. So we casually said our goodbyes and went on our separate ways.

What a random encounter. It amazed me how some strangers are so fearless in their approach and can spontaneously speak from their heart to someone they'll never see again.

I went about my day, but I had mixed feelings when she left. I had thought about her words and I believed them. But at the same time, a layer of doubt was rolling into my head, just as the fog rolled over the bridge early that morning. Could I really consider myself a dancer, even after all the time that's gone by in which I haven't danced? A dancer is what I once was. The past is over.

Most people would just take it as a compliment and move on, but I was being dramatic (as usual). However, I am allowed to be. Because a life without aspects of theatrics is not one I'd ever want to live.

I thought about that encounter for the rest of the day. Although what she said made perfect sense, I had a difficult time allowing it to be true. How can "it never leave me" when its something I reluctantly left?

After shutting off my over-thinking piece of a brain, I destroyed the doubt, and finally allowed the words of this stranger to liberate me.

I realized that the phases and stages of our lives evolve us into the people we become. I may not dance anymore, but the almost 20 years I spent in dance class have shaped me into the weird little girl I am today. From the way I walk to the kitchen, to the way I walk down the street-- I always feel that rhythm in my soul, and it will always be there. Even if I don't realize it.

I don't have to dance professionally to be a dancer.

I don't have to write professionally to be a writer.

And don't have to be famous to have a spotlight. I'll just create my own.

It's not a false sense of reality, but an artistic way in which I view my life. And nothing can be more authentic.

The parts of ourselves that we once were-- the parts that we loved, but have drifted apart from, will never leave us. We are, and will forever be, all the great things we've ever been. From dancers to baseball players. Musicians to painters. Old talents never die.

A few months after the encounter with this woman, I found myself standing on the same porch admiring the city skyline, as I often did, when an older man approached me.

"You look like a dancer. You stand like one." He said. "I'm from New York, and go to a lot of various dance shows."

I was completely caught off guard. Confused. Was someone playing a joke on me? Is that lady back, and did she set this whole thing up to see how I'd respond? I awkwardly looked around, before I remembered that he was awaiting a response.

I pulled myself together, and simply replied:

"Yes, I am a dancer."

And in that moment, the rhythm in my heart was reset to the new beat of the universe.

That is all.



Friday, September 5, 2014

The Girl With The Gaga Tattoo

Everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that Lady Gaga owns my soul. She is my
savior. The prophet. The second coming of Christ. Upon arriving at the gates of heaven, I expect to be told that she is indeed a religious figure who was put on this Earth to save all the little monsters from the danmation of normalcy. To give us the strength to stay true to ourselves, and to remind each and every one of us that we're all God damn superstars, and we were Born This Way. And as our eternal mother began her prophecy here on Earth, the mitosis of the future began.

And thus began the beginning of a new race.

A race within the race of humanity.

A race that bears no prejudice.

No judgement.

But boundless freedom.

And with that, the world was changed. At least mine was.

Becoming a Lady Gaga fan was like finding a part of my soul that had been missing. I felt complete with her, as she gave me so much strength to stay true to myself and the courage to carve out my own space in the world rather than trying to fit into someone else's. She was always there for me-- making me feel less alone, and less afraid.

remember being a lonely 19 year old alone in my dorm room. I didn’t have a lot of friends, was never cool enough to go to parties, and just had no sense of who I was. She helped me find my inner sense of self worth. Not just through her music, but the whole artistry of who she is. She changed my life, and taught me to find my freedom and fight for who I am. 

Seeing her live at the Monster Ball will forever be the highlight of my life. I was finally amongst my people at the greatest show on Earth. She would tell stories and give us words of inspiration during the show. After making a speech about freeing ourselves from all our insecurities, she shined her disco stick into the audience and said:

"I used to pray, and I used to dream that one day, one person would believe in me."

She continued on, putting her hand over her heart and said:

"So when you leave here tonight, know that at least one person believes in you."

And that was the moment of all moments.

Because we just need one person to believe in us. And even know she doesn't know who I am, that doesn't matter. Because it's not about me, per say. It's about the core of my being. My soul. And all the other souls who suffer internally. Who feel like they're not good enough.  No matter if it's Lady Gaga, or an old friend. Sometimes we need the validation that someone believes in us. Because life is just really hard.

I think of those words often, which is sometimes what helps get me through the day and through the darkness.

I struggle a lot internally. My soul is simultaneously the most beautiful and the darkest place I've ever been. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and during that time the internal struggle was really difficult. I went out with my friends, and tried so hard to make sure that everyone was having a good time, that I forgot about myself.

But a few days later when I woke up on the actual day of my birth, I decided that I wasn't going to be afraid anymore. And that I should always carry the strength to fight for exactly who I am. Gaga has been so brave for me, so now it was my turn to be brave for her.

Because I was Born This Way. And that's something I take so much pride in.

When it comes to our birth, it is perceived that this infamous moment in life is not temporal, it is eternal. And on my birthday, I traveled to the city of my birth and got Born This Way tattooed on my body. The understanding of that phrase has changed my life. And now it's forever engraved on my skin as a reminder that I am beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes.

I don't ever want any of you to sacrifice who you are for anyone or anything else. Because you're absolutely perfect just the way you are, and I believe in you all.

So now that this story is over, know that at least one person believes in you. Because sometimes that's all it takes.