Saturday, June 23, 2012

Chaotic Comfort Zone

via vicforprez
It’s been far too long since I’ve written and I wholeheartedly apologize!  I do, however, think of this blog often. I find myself logging on and pointlessly checking the stats as if there’s going to be a spontaneous increase in viewings despite the lack of updates.  I’ve had a lot going on in the last few months and feel like my soul has been searching for what it is I truly desire in life. I still feel as if I haven’t found my niche in this world, but I’m totally ok with that. I’m ok with the chaos of my being, and in a weird way, I don’t ever want to accomplish my dreams in fear that I’ll have nothing left to dream about. Sometimes the magic and mystery of fantasyland should never come fourth into reality because it just doesn’t compare to the standard in my head. For example, this summer I’m interning in San Francisco. All my life, I’ve wanted nothing more than to immerse myself in The City.  I remember when I was in first grade, I wrote in my journal that San Francisco is where I wanted to be when I grew up, and that desire only got stronger over the years. Going into the city as a kid was always such a surreal experience. It’s so different from life on the farm and I thought I liked it so much more. I believe it’s human nature to want to live in an environment the complete opposite of your own, and that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted.

But now I’m realizing that accomplishing the desire to be somewhere else doesn’t fulfill my soul in the way I expected it to.  I’ve gotten into a routine of normalcy in San Francisco, and just like everything else, a sense of normalcy can greatly diminish the magic. The city’s no longer a utopia of mystery.  As I get more and more used to different areas, the mystery will vanish even further and I’ll be comfortable in my surroundings. Comfort is strange. I both love it and hate it.  I want to be comfortable where I am, but I also find that comfort zones suck the excitement out of my life. Perhaps I’ll become a traveling gypsy? I’ll wander the world. I’ll seek the strange & unusual, but get up and go once a comfort zone has been established.  But now I don’t even know what I want. I want to live in 5000 different places at once doing 7000 different things, but I really just need to suppress the chaos in my mind and narrow things down. Ugh.  Part of me misses school. It was an ever changing comfort zone. Once I got sick of the normalcy, the semester was over and it was time to move on to the new phase of academics. But now it’s time to move on to other things. It’s strange to start new phases of life. I'm only 21 and can feel the years adding. I can't even imagine how strange it must feel to be 40! I'm halfway there, and can already sense a major mid-life crisis coming up. Oh joy.

But to end on a better note, I just try and remember that life is like fashion. Both my style and my life are constantly changing, and that I shouldn't be afraid of this glorious evolution.

I promise to post regularly from now on. I’ve put way too much time and effort into this blog and refuse to let it sit in the corner of the internet, unused and collecting dust.
My grandma and I before my graduation ceremony. My dress is actually a nightgown. I just added a leather belt,and  no one had a clue that I was walking around on this momentous occasion in sleep attire.  

Because I haven't updated in so long, I failed to show you my graduation cap.
It wouldn't have been any other way.


  1. this is a truly an inspiring post, I saw myself in some situations u've described, the lack of post (but the fact that I care too much for my blog, that I really try to post more) the dreams, and the fear of accomplishing them and finding out that it wasnt the way I had wished..
    ohhh well,
    Just wanted to thank u for this post, Its nice to know there is someone out there with mixed feeling like me!!!


    1. Thank you so much for the kind words<3 The comment made my day! I really appreciate it, and am glad there's someone who can relate to my feelings. xoxo