Changes

I have been in such a drought lately.

Now that I'm out in the "real world" my creativity is on the back burner and I'm stuck in this mundane cycle of normality.

And for anyone who knows me.

That is my biggest fear in life.

I miss being in school; dreaming about the world and the potential mark I would one day make upon it. I believed I could do anything. I believed in the strange soul that was blessed within my being. I believed that I had the power to change the world. I believed in it all, but then life unravels in unexpected ways.

I've learned that making your mark on the world is more difficult than I had imagined. So much of me wants to quit my unfullfilling day job and move to a new city. To take risks and make mistakes and experience new cultures and people.  I want to wake up each day and know that what I'm doing is making a difference in this world. I want to free the fire within me and inspire people. I want to do everything. And I want to be happy.

I am none of these things.

Part of me is so overwhelmed by the infinite choices the world offers, that I don't know where to begin. And part of me is afraid of it all.

But I've also learned that not everything's going to happen overnight. Life is a process, and we can't do everything all at once. Sometimes I forget that and experience major anxiety because my life is not set exactly how I want it.

Lately I've been neglecting myself. The glitter that once ran through my veins is diluted with the blood of my eternally broken heart. And the only way to find the sparkle again is to channel my inner 19 year old. The girl who, although had darkness deeply rooted within her, was not afraid to shine. To be herself.  To feel complete without the approval of others. I was whole. I was free. And I need that again or I won't be able to survive.

I can feel this period in my life being transitional, and I can't let that slip away. Sometimes the biggest sources of inspiration can be found in ourselves, so it's time I start listening to my soul and introduce myself to the ambition I once had.

I can't sit around and wait for my life to change. The only one who has that power is me, and I must use it wisely.

Goodnight!

xo g

My Heart Could Beat With Bricks And Strings

I have decided to return to the blog world, and with my return comes Lady Gaga talk. 

I shall save my complete adoration of Gaga for another blog post. All you need to know is that I worship this woman with every breath she takes, step she places, and planet she invades. She has helped me in every way possible find the inner strength in myself and I know for sure I wouldn’t be nearly as confident in myself if it wasn't for her. I will worship her for ALWAYS, and that is fact.

Her new album ATRPOP came out last month, and I really love the direction of her creativity. The ARTPOP era is definitely different from her previous work, yet there’s still that effervescent Gaga flare we know and love. I don’t think it’s fair to continually compare her to her past work, but it’s amazing to see her growth. In every sense of the word, she’s an artist. It’s wide open for interpretation, but ARTPOP is a representation of her life. As she stated in the music video for Marry The Night, many moons ago;

“When I look back on my life, it’s not that I don’t want to see things exactly as they happened, it’s just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way.”

Artists see the world differently than those with confined imaginations and low levels of creativity.  The world is only two dimensional if you choose to see it that way. And with ARTPOP, the world, art, and life could mean ANYTHING.

Now, enjoy some of my favorite pictures from Gaga's ARTPOP era.

Chaotic Comfort Zone

via vicforprez

It’s been far too long since I’ve written and I wholeheartedly apologize!  I do, however, think of this blog often. I find myself logging on and pointlessly checking the stats as if there’s going to be a spontaneous increase in viewings despite the lack of updates.  I’ve had a lot going on in the last few months and feel like my soul has been searching for what it is I truly desire in life. I still feel as if I haven’t found my niche in this world, but I’m totally ok with that. I’m ok with the chaos of my being, and in a weird way, I don’t ever want to accomplish my dreams in fear that I’ll have nothing left to dream about. Sometimes the magic and mystery of fantasyland should never come fourth into reality because it just doesn’t compare to the standard in my head. For example, this summer I’m interning in San Francisco. All my life, I’ve wanted nothing more than to immerse myself in The City.  I remember when I was in first grade, I wrote in my journal that San Francisco is where I wanted to be when I grew up, and that desire only got stronger over the years. Going into the city as a kid was always such a surreal experience. It’s so different from life on the farm and I thought I liked it so much more. I believe it’s human nature to want to live in an environment the complete opposite of your own, and that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted.

But now I’m realizing that accomplishing the desire to be somewhere else doesn’t fulfill my soul in the way I expected it to.  I’ve gotten into a routine of normalcy in San Francisco, and just like everything else, a sense of normalcy can greatly diminish the magic. The city’s no longer a utopia of mystery.  As I get more and more used to different areas, the mystery will vanish even further and I’ll be comfortable in my surroundings. Comfort is strange. I both love it and hate it.  I want to be comfortable where I am, but I also find that comfort zones suck the excitement out of my life. Perhaps I’ll become a traveling gypsy? I’ll wander the world. I’ll seek the strange & unusual, but get up and go once a comfort zone has been established.  But now I don’t even know what I want. I want to live in 5000 different places at once doing 7000 different things, but I really just need to suppress the chaos in my mind and narrow things down. Ugh.  Part of me misses school. It was an ever changing comfort zone. Once I got sick of the normalcy, the semester was over and it was time to move on to the new phase of academics. But now it’s time to move on to other things. It’s strange to start new phases of life. I'm only 21 and can feel the years adding. I can't even imagine how strange it must feel to be 40! I'm halfway there, and can already sense a major mid-life crisis coming up. Oh joy.

But to end on a better note, I just try and remember that life is like fashion. Both my style and my life are constantly changing, and that I shouldn't be afraid of this glorious evolution.

I promise to post regularly from now on. I’ve put way too much time and effort into this blog and refuse to let it sit in the corner of the internet, unused and collecting dust.

My grandma and I before my graduation ceremony. My dress is actually a nightgown. I just added a leather belt,and  no one had a clue that I was walking around on this momentous occasion in sleep attire.  

Because I haven't updated in so long, I failed to show you my graduation cap.
It wouldn't have been any other way.